...so i touched it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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