theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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