Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
there is glitter all over my balls
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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