I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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