I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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