This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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