I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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