Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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