the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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