I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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