im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize