dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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