Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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