Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
