they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
