my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
