my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
