I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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