Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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