I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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