it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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