i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
