Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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