And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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