A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
