she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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