is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
