I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
