there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
