i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
