cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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