Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
