dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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