Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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