the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
