How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
