Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
