she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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