we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
