She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
