Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
