my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
