After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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