remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
