I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
