I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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