Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
