everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize