I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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