i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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