Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize