I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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