Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
