the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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