She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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