Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
