I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize