I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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