we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
