Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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