He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
