I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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