My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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