I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
