I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
