Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Drake has all the answers
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
