My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
