I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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