Jerry, you need to find god
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
