I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
