Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
