If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
